One of the many lessons I’ve learned with alopecia is that reflection is one of the most beneficial things to do for growth and self-awareness.

In today's society where we are constantly moving onto the newest thing and the next experience; we forget to take the time to reflect on the choices we’ve made.

While many of us are "working" from home and staying indoors due to the Coronavirus, this is the ideal time to take a moment to reflect.  A study out of Harvard Business School found that taking a moment to look back at past experiences improves awareness of your thought patterns and emotions. 

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Recently I opened the door to my room and was taken aback by the mess that accumulated out of nowhere. (Sure, it was from me kicking clothes off the edge of my bed cause I was too lazy to put them away). As one of those individuals where the cleanliness of my room reflects my stress level, I needed to de-clutter my space. What that translated into was an hour going through the contents of a forgotten suitcase found shoved in the back of my closet (every day can't be productive). 

Inside, stashed next to old clothes, worn-out sketchbooks, and misplaced photo equipment were my 2011 high school prom photos. I hid these photos years ago.

...But why? This wasn't one of those cringe-worthy photo sets we all hope to bury and never let see the light of day again. I genuinely enjoyed my prom. 

High School and Alopecia

I didn't enjoy all of High School. Not with my alopecia. Since I was diagnosed with alopecia areata in the third grade, I was the target of stares, hushed whispers, pointed fingers, and vicious laughter. I found a small group of really incredible, genuinely kind kids who didn't laugh at me (one who remains my best friend till this day). They became my armor. They became the difference between a good day and a bad day. I searched for their smiles in the hallway and felt comfort strong enough that the laughter didn't matter. It would be years later when ultimately I figured out I had to find that comfort within myself to truly grow in my experience with alopecia. 

I spent as much time as possible with friends in small groups, avoiding high traffic areas like the lunchroom. Shoutout to those teachers who let us eat in their rooms and hangout (Mrs. King-Davis, you are a legend). I moved through the hallways swiftly with precision like a scalpel in the hands of a surgeon. I would snake my way through the halls in hoodies and hats keeping watch for administrators that would stop me and force me to expose my patchy head to all on-lookers. Fear of exposure became a source of intense anxiety that I would carry for years. Even to this day, my heart beats frantically in crowded spaces. 

All of that changed junior year of high school when I finally got a doctor's note to wear my beanie in school. For the first time, I felt comfortable in high school. By the time senior year prom was coming around, I had been wearing beanies for two years. And I felt comfortable with myself when I wore one. Receiving that doctor’s note gave me permission to wear a smile on my face and take my time with friends when in the halls. 

Prom and Alopecia

That smile was missing in my prom photos. The comfort was gone. The beanie was absent.

I thought I loved these photos. My prom date was my best friend (she still is). I have fond memories of laughing and dancing all night. She made me feel so comfortable the entire time...in fact, the entire duration I've known her. I never thought about my alopecia during prom night or what anyone else thought about me. We just danced and had a great time. 

But the pre-prom photos tell a different story. I was elated to have my best friend as my prom date but in retrospect, barely hidden on my face was the signs of discomfort I couldn't shake. The proof was in my smile, or the lack thereof. 

I still love these photos. I love that I spent prom amongst good friends. But my choice not to wear what had brought me comfort and strength was a stain on my psyche. I wanted to wear my beanie, but I decided against it because I thought it was socially unconventional. I wanted to look suave, clean-cut, and as handsome as possible for my date. I thought I would look and feel out of place and I feared those same laughs and whispers I dodged in the hallways if I showed up wearing a beanie with a tux. I betrayed myself for not prioritizing the comfort of others over my own. I cared too much about what other people thought.

The Power of Reflection

Looking back on these photos I can see the discomfort in my eyes. At the time I didn't know why. I didn't realize how much I loved my hair. Yes, it was a patchwork quilt, but it was mine. I let my choice be stolen each time I allowed my hair to be completely cut off. I didn't know how important it was to be authentic in my alopecia experience. Even as my appearance changed, I needed to retain my sense of self. Standing there bald on prom night next to my best friend, surrounded by family, I felt like a stranger in my own skin. 

In life and alopecia, there are lessons and blessings. Unfortunately, some lessons are harder to swallow. Prom was one of those lessons for me. I'm still learning to let go of the anger and guilt I feel because I wasn't accepting of my appearance. But through the lesson, I learned how important it is to advocate for myself. 

Do what's best for you, even if it is not socially conventional! Tattoo your head, go bald, wear a bright blue wig, spray paint your patches! Worry about yourself. Reflect on your lessons and don't be afraid to choose happiness this time. 

I still carry that lump in my throat at the notion that I ruined my best friend's prom photos. This post is both an apology to her and to myself. I apologize for not listening to the discomfort of what I was feeling and not speaking up for myself. And I apologize for not giving her the smile she deserved to see in her prom photos. But today no matter the situation I check in with myself and make sure I'm happy. Beanie or not.    

“ By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third, by experience, which is the bitterest ”. - Confucius

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