Part II of Rory’s Decision to Shave

Click here for part 1

Thank goodness I had had a Pixie cut for 7 years.

That’s what I remember thinking when I was coming to the decision to shave my head. It is my favorite/ideal haircut for myself. This photo of me modeling a sweater I knit is from August 2017, and it’s the last time I ever had a “normal” haircut.

So when I was told by my hair stylist that she had found a tiny patch the size of her thumbnail the day before I moved halfway across the country, I knew I would have to start growing out my hair yet again. 

We all know what comes next. The daily terror of finding more patches. Being anxious about patches growing larger. Fear over patches showing when the wind blows your hair just the right way. Loss of control as you can no longer keep the hairstyle you love. Sadness when you don’t recognize yourself in the mirror, not just physically, but also mentally.

From that August to January I lost most of the hair on the back of my head. I sought treatment in February of 2018. It worked…for a bit (more about that in a different post). But as I continued treatment into the spring, began antidepressants and obtained a cat, I realized I still wasn’t feeling like my old self. My old self was gone… and that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.

I had finally accepted Alopecia as a part of my life. Not in a way that defined me, not in surrender. But in self-preservation.

Spring turned into early summer and by May I was over trying to cover my remaining hair with head scarves and hats. It was too hot! And, most importantly, I had finally accepted Alopecia as a part of my life. Not in a way that defined me, not in surrender. But in self-preservation. By recognizing that my body was not “normal,” I could embrace who I would become, for who I was changed every day.

Additionally, obsessing over hair clumps in the shower was getting to me.

I knew it wasn’t a healthy way to live, and there was a sure way to reduce the visibility of my loss: Shaving.

I called a salon. I made sure a friend would be with me. And I read a LOT about how to maintain a shaved head. The day came.

The stylist was wonderful. She knew what Alopecia was, she had shaved many a head (of men), and was extremely calming. She checked one last time that this was what I wanted, turned on the clippers, and before I knew it, the first strip of hair was gone.

What I feared most, exposure of my flaws and abnormality, was out there for the whole world to see. At last, I felt a little bit like me.

It was terrifying. And amazing. Within minutes my ~8 inches of straggly hair was gone...and there was this….different but recognizable person in the mirror. The stylist spent time going over my scalp with the trimmers, making sure the stubble was even. She gave me tips on how to care for the skin and remaining hair. What I feared most, exposure of my flaws and abnormality, was out there for the whole world to see. At last, I felt a little bit like me.

Missed Part one? Catch up here!

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