Relationships can drive your anxiety through the roof. Living with alopecia can put even more pressure on how close you get in your relationships. Will people accept you with your looks? Will they accept your bald head? Your patches? Will they accept you in your wigs or with no make-up? Questions like that are a trap. You have to accept yourself and your journey with alopecia. Many of us have unique qualities and differences that we live with. They don't make us any less of a beautiful person.

What’s your type?

Watch a few episodes of reality TV and you’re bound to hear that question. What’s a typical response you may hear? "Tall, dark, and handsome with a great head of hair.” Hear those words enough and you may start to believe that is the standard everyone is looking for. 

With alopecia, I felt as if I didn't fit the mold. I grew uncomfortable with my appearance. I began to believe that people would assess me based on looks and my prospects for a romantic relationship would diminish. Fighting against the notion that it was acceptable to judge someone by their looks, I strived to do the opposite. Many of us have unique qualities and differences that we live with. At a young age, I began to look at the inner qualities of people instead of appearance. Were they honest and caring? Were they proud and boastful? I had to take notice of the characteristics I enjoyed to be around.

I've been lucky to have the most incredible people in my life. In all my relationships both romantic and platonic I search for people I feel completely comfortable around.  

I grew up in a black household with six sisters and four brothers. We all express ourselves differently. My older brother told me I was always emotional when I was younger." I was (and still am). I sat in my anger as a child. I lingered in my pain. I drowned in my joy. But I was told by parents to “fix” my face and quiet down. I wasn’t allowed to be too expressive in my emotions.

My friends provided me with a safe place to explore these emotions. Sometimes in unhealthy ways, like arguments, that could have been discussions. Sometimes in healthy ways through open and honest conversations. When paired with therapy, literature, and art (like movies and music), I was given space and opportunity to better understand empathy by watching others react and grow in the face of adversity.

I was lucky enough to find a support system that allowed me to find my voice expressing my feelings and even joke about alopecia! Something I never thought I would be able to joke about due to the anxiety it brought me. But, there I was, a huge smile on my face, laughing as we joked, a singing bowl on my head, using the sound waves to promote my hair growth. Being comfortable enough to joke about things I've struggled with prompted me to value true friends and the power of a supportive community.

There are many things you wish for in relationships. I always look for playful banter and laughter. Blame TV, books, or Tumblr but in romantic relationships, I've' always wanted someone to play in my hair. I enjoy the feeling of nails on the nape of my neck accompanied with that tingle down my spine #fannyflutters (Sorry, I've been watching a lot of #loveisland). But with alopecia, I found it hard to even get comfortable discussing my hair, let alone allow someone to play in the hair I do have.

Unfortunately, my search for comfort had negative consequences as well. It left me vulnerable to exploitation. It took me years to realize I was singing the praises of everyone but myself. 

Feeling insecure about my appearance with alopecia in the past, I'm aware of how rewarding it is to receive validation. Giving genuine compliments and reassuring to others became a part of my identity. It masked my need for love and acceptance. Be wary of "validation friends," people who consciously, or subconsciously, look to you for confirmation that they have the acceptance of the outside world. However, the moment you disagree with them they lash out, take personal offense and accuse you of being a bad friend. The opinions of others matter more than their own and feed their sense of worth.  

As someone who values friendships and relationships above all else, this can be particularly devastating. But we grow from the challenges we face. Those lessons allowed me to bring you: 

My Top 3 lessons learned from relationships and alopecia:

1. Check, Please: Your beauty is more than skin deep. If someone cares more about your appearance than your inner qualities, are they really the best for you?? They are probably the type to be rude to the waiter (I shouldn't generalize. Let's just say you don't need that energy around you).

   
   
   

2. Learn your apology type and accept others: What do you need to hear from someone to know they are truly regretful? Do you need to hear the other person say the actual words "I'm sorry?" Or maybe they need to acknowledge what they did wrong and how it may have impacted you. Maybe they need to explain where the behavior came from and their thought process. A real apology requires a change in behavior. Remember that you can have a discussion without it being an argument and learn to agree to disagree. People have different values, experiences, and trauma they bring into a relationship, including you. We make mistakes but we grow from acknowledging them and learning from them.   
   
   
   

3. Reflect: Give yourself time to think about what you value. What makes you happy. What recharges your batteries? Maybe it's video games, music, or 25 episodes of Love Island. Perhaps, you’re extroverted like me and need to hang out with quality friends who make you laugh and feel included. Maybe you’re introverted and need some alone time and a good puzzle. Your cup should be full on its own. The addition of someone else in your life should only overflow it. In those moments where you feel alone and anxious, think back on the things that bring you comfort and joy. Make a plan to spend time doing those things. Your happiness should not be based solely on someone else. 

Feeling insecure is natural and from time to time we need a little validation. With alopecia, it can be hard to accept your changing appearance. Cheltenham ave is here to support you on your journey to acceptance. We are beautiful with alopecia.

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