Why you should be your first love and 5 ways for self intimacy

The headless model. The insidious nature of alopecia.

Alopecia and Body Image

We are all beautiful and hold the potential to thrive. Yet, we easily sever that notion at the head. We slowly slice away the belief in ourselves with our opinions and reinforce the through the opinions of others.  

When it comes to appearance in society today, the notion that we are only accepted based on our looks creeps into our minds. 

My favorite class in college was Human Subject Photography. In class, we worked with all types of models, all different body types. Old, young, curvy, slim. All beautiful. Every curve, every valley, every upturned lip intrigued me. The way the model's skin glowed in the light captivated me. I found the confidence and story of each model fascinating (how does one even start the profession of standing nude in front of 20 individuals!). I believe every person is uniquely beautiful. 

The only person whom I struggled to see as beautiful was myself.

I felt flawed. 

I kept focusing on alopecia and the changes it made to my appearance.

My friend once asked me if I worked out to compensate for alopecia. At the time, I lied and said no. But in reality, I was filled with embarrassment and guilt.

If I didn’t work on my body what more did I have to offer? you always hear the ideal man in romance is tall, dark, and handsome. These men are always six feet tall, tanned with great hair. But do all attractive people actually check all these boxes? I'm not that tall, "dark" doesn't refer to my skin tone, and as for the hair... cue alopecia. I carried the notion I would always be denied closeness because of my looks. 

Through my efforts to unlock my potential and thrive, I began to recognize that I wasn't searching for the approval of others.

I was searching for intimacy and recognition.

I was searching for acknowledgment; I am. If I kept viewing parts of me as flawed I wouldn't grow to accept what was and learn to exist with it. If I couldn't love myself with alopecia, how was anyone else going to? 

Recognizing Your Core Values

With the recognition of intimacy as a core value came the awareness that I had been searching for it blindly. My own ignorance between my identity (my core values and inner character) and my appearance (my outer looks) stifled my ability to provide affection to myself. I didn't know how to supply self-love and care for myself. Instead, I thought, who would find me attractive with alopecia?  Who would make me happier?

I figured I could find the answers within everyone but never chose to look within myself. I assumed a sense of worth was held in the eyes and judgments of those around me when they looked at me. If they saw through my beanie they would see what I perceived to be the flaws in my appearance and think less of me. Eventually, I’d become an outcast. The intimacy I searched for would be denied. 

"My own hunger was for a closeness, and a connection- a reduction in the vast and irreducible space I perceived to exist between all people, even within a family." - Rick Bass, The Lives of Rocks 

It became easy to fall into my unhealthy patterns of needlessly giving my time, energy, and trust to those around me. But when I wasn’t in the company of friends I was often depressed, trapped by my thoughts, and slipping into a pattern of overthinking. Did people not want me around? Were they all laughing at me behind my back?

I would try my hardest to do what I could to please them enough to keep their company.

I would spend my money on them. I would give even if it meant I went without. And who could blame them for taking what I freely offered? 

This started a complicated relationship with affection and intimacy (anyone else's love language physical touch?). Learning the difference between them was crucial and started my inner exploration of self-worth.

Why was I so willing to give to others but not myself? Did I love myself enough to see my worth and recognize my potential? 

Reflecting On Your Needs

I had to learn to love me.

I had to learn to give myself the intimacy I so often looked for in others. I still have incredibly challenging days where I feel frustrated and disappointed with my appearance. Seeing a new spot forming and half an eyebrow is hard. On those days it’s not about hearing compliments. It’s simply about being heard.

Sometimes we just need someone to say, "I hear you." It's okay to be frustrated. It's okay to have bad days but know that you are not your insecurities. 

The truth is, you don't have to prove anything to anyone. Your appearance, trauma, or generosity does not make you unworthy. The truth is that you shouldn’t have to offer anything to be recognized for all the potential you have. We are nothing but pure potential. If someone doesn't see it in you, that's on them. 

The most important person you need to hear that from is yourself.

You should be your first love. 

Here are 5 ways I began to extend intimacy towards myself.

5 Ways to Practice Self- Intimacy 

Time and energy are two currencies you can never get back. 

Recognizing intimacy as a core value is just one of the many lessons that taught me how to spend my time and energy with the right people and in the right places. But even when I'm not around others or when I need to feel a sense of comfort, I can provide myself with a wholeness that empowers and confirms; I have the potential to thrive. 

The Avenue Issue 001

The Avenue Issue 002

1. Photoshoots - no need to wait for the perfect outing to wear those new outfits bought in quarantine. Showing appreciation to myself can be therapeutic and a creative outlet. 
   
   
   

2. Wine, Cinnamon rolls, and Movies - take a day to relax and treat yo self!

3. Self Care Cleaning Day - I light my favorite scented candles, put on my favorite music, and dance around my apartment while I clean. A clean space feels like a breath of fresh air. 
   
   

4. Journaling - This is a crucial part of understanding and growth of who I was and who I want to be. Get to know yourself. 

5. Exercise - go for a hike or walk while enjoying a playlist of my favorite songs. Exercising makes me feel unburdened and allows me moments of clarity when deep thinking. 

I really appreciate anyone who took the time to read all this. And I really love the alopecia community. Those boldly showing off their heads, patchy, bald, and everything in between. You’re the representation and the confidence I needed to see and hope to exhibit. 

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